Moments Of Impact

"My theory is about moments. Moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are. The thing is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced, with all the people we've ever known. It is these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our mind, over and over again. A moment of total, physical, mental and every other kind of love. So that is my theory, that these moments of impact define who we are. A moment of impact has potential for change, has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict...sending some particles crashing together making them closer than ever before, while sending others off into great ventures, ending where you never thought you'd find them. You see, that's the best thing of moments like these...you can't, no matter how hard you try, control how they are going to effect you. You just have to let these colliding particles land where they may and wait until the next collision."  --The Vow

It was December 31, 2004 when particles collided and caused a life altering moment of impact...a moment that up until last year, I rarely discussed. But, after realizing it was part of the healing process, I decided to open up about my experience and ended up being blessed because of it. If you missed that blog post, I encourage you to read it and pass it along. It's why I wrote it.

http://leatherlaceandbutterflies.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-wings-need-time-to-heal.html

After I wrote that day, I was able to track down an email address for J. After years of being angry at him, I was finally ready to move on, and I knew the only way to achieve that would be to forgive him. So, that's what I did. To this day, I don't feel like he deserved anything from me, but for my own peace of mind, I knew forgiveness was the only way to break free from the chains that had been holding me captive for so long.

The weeks following that blog post, I received dozens of emails and messages from people I've never even met. My thought on sharing my experience has always been to educate young people, in hopes of changing even just one life. But, I've realized that writing about it isn't enough for me.

Almost eight years later, I sometimes feel like I'll never wake up from that nightmare. It can be so haunting to have flashes of memory of that night but see no faces. The ghosts from that experience will forever be a part of who I am. It's a very daunting task to try to explain this to people who have never been violated in such a cruel way. I could use the sickening details to try to get my point across but unless you've been there, it's impossible to understand. I never quite knew how to deal with this part of my past, and honestly, I still don't. I'm not one to seek solace in speaking with a counselor...I can write about my journey for hours but ask me to open up to someone I don't know and my mind goes blank, the tears start rolling and then I'm just a crying mess.

I've always heard that God can take any horrible situation and turn it into something good. Never in my life did I think this situation would turn into anything positive, but God has found a way to work in my heart and open my mind to using my nightmare to actually help others heal. A good friend of mine encouraged me to start speaking publicly on the topic of rape (for the record, just typing that word makes my stomach turn), but I feel like in order to do so I need to get involved first. After thinking long and hard about it, I've decided to begin the process to become a Hospital Accompaniment through the Midland Rape Crisis & Children's Advocacy Center. I had amazing friends who carried me through my day at the hospital, but when I think about those who don't have anyone they can reach out to when their "particles collide," it breaks my heart, to say the very least. To be a friendly face who can sit with them through the hours of horrible police questioning and exams feels priceless. Those hours after arriving at the hospital are the worst and seem to drag on forever. No matter how many friends or family members you have, those initial moments are the most alone a victim will ever feel. I have no intention of becoming the poster child for date rape, but actually having experienced it, I feel like it's only my duty to be there for someone else during the lonliness. To be completely honest, I have severe anxiety about the whole thing. It's a huge responsibility. What if I fail? What if I get too emotionally involved? What if it just brings up bad memories for me? I might fail. I might run for the hills after the first time I get a call. But, I'll never know if I don't try. God kept me around for a reason. I've known people personally who have gone to parties and never woke up the next day. That could have been me. Why am I just going to sit back, knowing it happens to other people and not do anything to help? How selfish that would be. I was once told that the will of God will never take me to a place where the grace of God won't protect me, so in this moment, I'm leaning on that idea as I dive into this new chapter.

I remember reading an entry on Baron Batch's blog about his interpretation of "the ripple effect"...how sharing your experience with one person can turn into an abundance of blessings. One person hearing my story will soon turn into dozens as it gets passed on. At least that's my prayer. I want to somehow manage to take my collision and be someone else's moment of impact. I want to take my moment and watch God use it to His greater good. If a moment of impact this severe has potential for change, I'm ready to let go, get involved and and watch the ripple effect grow...and never end.

When The Sand Runs Out

I'm gonna stop looking back and start moving on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here...
Go out on a ledge, without any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
I wanna be running
When the sand runs out...

January is always a little bit difficult for me. The nostalgia of the holidays is gone and after a ten-second countdown, the year is over. Most people are ready to put the year behind them, but as I get older, sometimes I find myself wishing for things to just slow down.

Today was tough for me...I blame it partly on being an emotional wreck, but it finally hit me today that I'm leaving in just a measly six days. I've been home for almost five weeks and reality reared its ugly head...at the very. last. minute. I realized that life as I know it is about to change. Normally I'm good with change-- I've been through about a bazillion changes over the last 27 years-- but I've never felt more alone than I do at this very moment. That scares me. I've always had someone there to catch me if I fall. Parents, friends, family, a significant other...I've never made a decision to rely solely on myself until now. I had a few (okay, more like a dozen) breakdowns today. Why am I doing this? Wouldn't it just be easier to stay in my hometown and be comfortable? Why am I always forcing myself to step outside my box? Part of me thinks that going to Hawaii and experiencing so many amazing things is enough. I did my duty. I took chances, risked my life, put myself out there...really lived. Now, why can't I just crawl back into my sweet and comfortable life and keep things simple? Apparently, God has another plan...and undoubtedly a remarkable sense of humor. He's taken a quiet, small-town Texas girl and molded me into a woman with ambition and big dreams. Dang it.

After having a heartfelt conversation with a good friend tonight, I shared with him lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Little did I realize, in sharing the song with him, it got me thinking about my own life and how I want to change the way I live it. I've never been someone who makes New Year's resolutions. No offense, but I get kind of annoyed with the typical "I'm going to work out more"..."Eat healthier"...blah blah blah. Usually most of these resolutions are broken by February anyway, so what's the point exactly? How about coming up with something a little more unique and original? Something that has the potential to better my character and help me grow?

January also brings up a painful anniversary for my family. We lost my cousin Drew on January 11, 2007. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but every January, as the 11th creeps up, the memories become a little more frequent and heartfelt. I find myself thinking about life, and how short it really is. I remember my pastor in Colorado preaching a series on living life with a capital "L." I finally get it. Life is so incredibly precious...why not live it to its fullest? Take a chance...take time to dance...love with all of your heart...make a mark...leave a legacy. Don't let life pass you by. Life is a gift, so instead of wasting it...receive it and then take it and run. The hope I have for myself is the same as what I have for you...I pray we'll all still be running...even when the sand runs out...

A Little Bit Stronger

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."
- Elizabeth Gilbert

When I first read that quote, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Here it is. It's the directions to happiness that I've been looking for. I put my book down for the night but couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned thinking about those words for hours. I texted the quote to a good friend of mine the next morning. I even posted it as my Facebook status. After dissecting it for days, I realized that the words I was reading were just an explanation of what has been in my heart all along. Happiness is the result of persuing a dream and fighting for what you want. God's blessings have been there the whole time, but I finally noticed that in order to experience them, I had to PARTICIPATE.

I finally finished reading Eat Pray Love today. I turned the last few pages while laying on the beach near Pearl Harbor. What better place to finish off a book about the persuit of happiness than on the shores of the Pacific ocean? Some days I forget how lucky I am to be living here. I see some of the most beautiful beaches in the world almost on a daily basis, but I try not to get used to it. I don't want to lose the child-like giddiness I feel when I put my feet in the sand and feel the rush of the warm blue foam between my toes. This is true happiness, folks. Talk about one of God's greatest and most beautiful blessings...and it's all right here, in my backyard.

Lately, I've found myself missing parts of my life back in Texas. Not just friends and family, but the simplicity of how things were just a month ago. I might live in paradise, but real life tends to creep up on me when I'm least expecting it. When I'm having a difficult day, I usually convince those around me that a trip to the beach is needed. No one ever turns me down. It's my greatest source of therapy. We pile into the car, boogie boards and snorkeling gear in tow. I love to just sit on the beach and watch my nieces and nephew be kids. What great stories they'll have about growing up on the beaches of Hawaii. If I'm not people watching, I tend to get lost in a good book...or sometimes I take my iPod and just sit there and gaze out at the ocean. Several of us went to Turtle Beach on the North Shore last weekend. Despite a few injuries, it was one of my favorite days in Hawaii so far. I watched a family of sea turtles swim up to shore. I watched a group of surfers paddle out into the blue ocean and catch waves. I got to spend time with new friends...friends I'm so blessed to have met. As I sat in the sand and gazed out over the water, I was amazed at how flawless it was. It was the most sincere feeling of peace I've had in a long time. This enormous body of water is all I can see as I fix my eyes upon the ocean. It's almost as if it never ends. It's different shades of blue and turquoise...the reflection of the sun creating diamonds on the surface of the water...it's absolutely perfect. It's here that I realize how small I really am. The difficulties I'm dealing with are so insignificant. I was reminded in this moment how great...and how big...our God really is. Here it is again, ya'll. True happiness. It's where problems seem to disappear and the joys of life emerge.

Sitting in the car today, the song "A Little Bit Stronger" came on the radio. My sister-in-law told me everytime she hears it, she thinks of me. I've heard it numerous times, but never really listened to the words until tonight. There's a line in the lyrics that mention "even on my weakest days...I get a little big stronger..." No other words could ring more true. With each day that passes and with each new experience God allows, I get a little big stronger. The day will come when I'm ready to go home...but for now, I'm trying to dive into this new chapter in my life and redefine my happiness. It's there, I know it is. I can feel it. All I have to do now is participate relentlessly in the manifestations of my own blessings...blessings that are becoming more and more clear as the time goes on.

Prayers for Texas

Being thousands of miles away from my homestate is hard.

Especially in times like these.

My thoughts are with everyone in Texas who has been affected by

these monster wildfires. I pray that rain comes your way very, very soon.

"Book 'Em Danno..."

So...I got a job. Kinda, sorta...in a round-about way. When I decided to move to Hawaii, I started researching a few talent agencies in the Honolulu area to see what was available in the way of work. I did some modeling throughout high school, but...truth be told, I haven't been in front of a camera since then. I had my doubts about even trying to do anything in this industry again. Honestly, I'm much more interested in the behind-the-scenes work. But, I knew it was a way to make a little bit of extra money if need be since I'd be moving here without a job. So, I started contacting different agencies and submitting snapshots. I started remembering some of the movies and tv shows that are filmed here and the wheels really started turning. Hawaii Five-O came to mind almost immediately. I found an agency here who casts for extra work (she did casting for "Lost" throughout its reign), so I sent in the necessary information and waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, I got an email last week with news of a meet-and-greet today. I told a handful of people I'd be going..mainly for good measure (I needed a few people to cross their fingers for me!)...and whatever prayers or good luck charms they sent my way worked. Granted, it might only be a few episodes. Who knows. They film from now through springtime, which is perfect timing. Extra work is very sporadic. It's all about who the casting director is looking to use in any given scene. And, I may only be noticable on camera for a few seconds. But, I look at this as a learning experience and an amazing opportunity. Finally...a ray of light in what has been a pretty difficult transition. I'm excited to do this. They asked if I was available Monday and I practically ran the poor casting girl over with my enthusiasm. So, what turned out to be an idea to "make some extra cash" actually has me super excited.

My stepmom has encouraged me throughout this move to "do something for myself." No matter what it is...do something that makes me happy. Learn and experience new things. Don't focus on what (or who) you left behind in Texas. If those things in Texas are meant to be, they'll still be there when this chapter of my life comes to a close. But right now, at this very moment, I'm finally starting to see what she has been trying to teach me. Happiness isn't found in friends or in a man. It's found when you finally find yourself and do something for you. This opportunity might seem insignificant to many. It's nothing too special and nothing to brag about by any means. But, for the first time in a long time, I went out on my own and went after something I wanted and didn't care what other people thought. And it's made me realize that maybe, just maybe, there's a reason I'm here.

A sweet friend of mine posted a quote on her Facebook page
today that was so inspiring that I wanted to share it...

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain

I love it...couldn't be more fitting for me right now. Absolutely perfect.

Kalos Kai Agathos

It's what the Greeks call a singular balance of the good and the beautiful. I want that. In a dangerous way.

I've been reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert for weeks. Usually I can speed through a book in a matter of days. This one is different. So many people recommended this book to me that I finally decided to give in. I watched the movie first (I know, I know..cardinal sin)...and I was not impressed. But, because so many have made connections from the book to my own journey, I decided to give it a chance. So far, I'm pleasantly surprised. Every few pages I read, I find myself getting inspired. On the flip side, it's almost haunting to read because of how similar my experiences have been over the last year. The crying on the bathroom floor described in the first chapter? Yep, that was me. More than once. The tearful question of "Is this really my life?" Again, that was me last summer. I picked the book back up tonight for the first time since I've been in Hawaii. Almost immediately, I was inspired to open my laptop and write because of one simple quote.

"...both pleasure and devotion require a stress-free space in which to flourish and I'd been living in a giant trash compactor of nonstop anxiety. As for how to balance the urge for pleasure against the longing for devotion...well, surely there was a way to learn that trick."

Whoever can teach me the trick to learning that lesson will be my hero. Taking cues from the book, I've taken a step in the right direction. I'm not quite as brave as the author, who describes her dreams of learning Italian and traveling to Italy, meeting with her religious guru in India and to top it off...teaching English to an old medicine man in Bali. I'm perfectly happy and content with my journey that has led me to Hawaii. Before deciding to move here, I bought a book about the island of Oahu. I've been a few times, but never had to think about anything except for lounging by the beach with a cocktail in each hand. The plane ride over here this time was different. Over the course of the 8 hour plane ride (and many adult beverages later...), I had a mental list of everything I wanted to do while living here. I don't know where I inherited this gene, but I have a knack for choosing life-threatening activities. Skydiving (again), scuba diving, swimming with sharks, learning to surf, kayaking, night time snorkeling, etc. Call me crazy, but I'm going to try and experience everything I possibly can while I'm here. Lately, I've been feeling a little homesick, so I keep reminding myself of how lucky I am to be here. Not many people can say they've got to explore an island so beautiful for months on end. I left a lot back in Texas. A LOT. I know it sounds cheesy, but after the year I've had (actually the past 6 years, but who's counting?), I feel the need to "find myself" again. I lost who I was in a bad relationship. I want to do something for me, figure out what I want and prepare myself to eventually move on from this adventure as a new person.

In the midst of the past few months, I've had so many people offer advice (most of which, I appreciate..haha). If there's anything I can pass on, it's this: Do what makes YOU happy. Don't care what other people think. Don't be afraid of change; it's necessary in order to grow. Believe in yourself when no one else does. Have faith. Smile, even when you feel you can't. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Pray honestly. Cry when you need to. But most of all...trust in love again...and don't be afraid to fall.

Maybe one day I'll figure out how to balance the good and the beautiful. Right now, in this very moment, I'm just happy to be out of the "giant trash compactor of nonstop anxiety." I'm definitely headed in the right direction. It's just going to take some time to get there. And in the meantime... living life, fulfilling dreams and being coined a gypsy can't be topped.

Aloha :)