When The Sand Runs Out

I'm gonna stop looking back and start moving on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here...
Go out on a ledge, without any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
I wanna be running
When the sand runs out...

January is always a little bit difficult for me. The nostalgia of the holidays is gone and after a ten-second countdown, the year is over. Most people are ready to put the year behind them, but as I get older, sometimes I find myself wishing for things to just slow down.

Today was tough for me...I blame it partly on being an emotional wreck, but it finally hit me today that I'm leaving in just a measly six days. I've been home for almost five weeks and reality reared its ugly head...at the very. last. minute. I realized that life as I know it is about to change. Normally I'm good with change-- I've been through about a bazillion changes over the last 27 years-- but I've never felt more alone than I do at this very moment. That scares me. I've always had someone there to catch me if I fall. Parents, friends, family, a significant other...I've never made a decision to rely solely on myself until now. I had a few (okay, more like a dozen) breakdowns today. Why am I doing this? Wouldn't it just be easier to stay in my hometown and be comfortable? Why am I always forcing myself to step outside my box? Part of me thinks that going to Hawaii and experiencing so many amazing things is enough. I did my duty. I took chances, risked my life, put myself out there...really lived. Now, why can't I just crawl back into my sweet and comfortable life and keep things simple? Apparently, God has another plan...and undoubtedly a remarkable sense of humor. He's taken a quiet, small-town Texas girl and molded me into a woman with ambition and big dreams. Dang it.

After having a heartfelt conversation with a good friend tonight, I shared with him lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Little did I realize, in sharing the song with him, it got me thinking about my own life and how I want to change the way I live it. I've never been someone who makes New Year's resolutions. No offense, but I get kind of annoyed with the typical "I'm going to work out more"..."Eat healthier"...blah blah blah. Usually most of these resolutions are broken by February anyway, so what's the point exactly? How about coming up with something a little more unique and original? Something that has the potential to better my character and help me grow?

January also brings up a painful anniversary for my family. We lost my cousin Drew on January 11, 2007. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but every January, as the 11th creeps up, the memories become a little more frequent and heartfelt. I find myself thinking about life, and how short it really is. I remember my pastor in Colorado preaching a series on living life with a capital "L." I finally get it. Life is so incredibly precious...why not live it to its fullest? Take a chance...take time to dance...love with all of your heart...make a mark...leave a legacy. Don't let life pass you by. Life is a gift, so instead of wasting it...receive it and then take it and run. The hope I have for myself is the same as what I have for you...I pray we'll all still be running...even when the sand runs out...