It was December 31, 2004 when particles collided and caused a life altering moment of impact...a moment that up until last year, I rarely discussed. But, after realizing it was part of the healing process, I decided to open up about my experience and ended up being blessed because of it. If you missed that blog post, I encourage you to read it and pass it along. It's why I wrote it.
http://leatherlaceandbutterflies.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-wings-need-time-to-heal.html
After I wrote that day, I was able to track down an email address for J. After years of being angry at him, I was finally ready to move on, and I knew the only way to achieve that would be to forgive him. So, that's what I did. To this day, I don't feel like he deserved anything from me, but for my own peace of mind, I knew forgiveness was the only way to break free from the chains that had been holding me captive for so long.
The weeks following that blog post, I received dozens of emails and messages from people I've never even met. My thought on sharing my experience has always been to educate young people, in hopes of changing even just one life. But, I've realized that writing about it isn't enough for me.
Almost eight years later, I sometimes feel like I'll never wake up from that nightmare. It can be so haunting to have flashes of memory of that night but see no faces. The ghosts from that experience will forever be a part of who I am. It's a very daunting task to try to explain this to people who have never been violated in such a cruel way. I could use the sickening details to try to get my point across but unless you've been there, it's impossible to understand. I never quite knew how to deal with this part of my past, and honestly, I still don't. I'm not one to seek solace in speaking with a counselor...I can write about my journey for hours but ask me to open up to someone I don't know and my mind goes blank, the tears start rolling and then I'm just a crying mess.
I've always heard that God can take any horrible situation and turn it into something good. Never in my life did I think this situation would turn into anything positive, but God has found a way to work in my heart and open my mind to using my nightmare to actually help others heal. A good friend of mine encouraged me to start speaking publicly on the topic of rape (for the record, just typing that word makes my stomach turn), but I feel like in order to do so I need to get involved first. After thinking long and hard about it, I've decided to begin the process to become a Hospital Accompaniment through the Midland Rape Crisis & Children's Advocacy Center. I had amazing friends who carried me through my day at the hospital, but when I think about those who don't have anyone they can reach out to when their "particles collide," it breaks my heart, to say the very least. To be a friendly face who can sit with them through the hours of horrible police questioning and exams feels priceless. Those hours after arriving at the hospital are the worst and seem to drag on forever. No matter how many friends or family members you have, those initial moments are the most alone a victim will ever feel. I have no intention of becoming the poster child for date rape, but actually having experienced it, I feel like it's only my duty to be there for someone else during the lonliness. To be completely honest, I have severe anxiety about the whole thing. It's a huge responsibility. What if I fail? What if I get too emotionally involved? What if it just brings up bad memories for me? I might fail. I might run for the hills after the first time I get a call. But, I'll never know if I don't try. God kept me around for a reason. I've known people personally who have gone to parties and never woke up the next day. That could have been me. Why am I just going to sit back, knowing it happens to other people and not do anything to help? How selfish that would be. I was once told that the will of God will never take me to a place where the grace of God won't protect me, so in this moment, I'm leaning on that idea as I dive into this new chapter.
I remember reading an entry on Baron Batch's blog about his interpretation of "the ripple effect"...how sharing your experience with one person can turn into an abundance of blessings. One person hearing my story will soon turn into dozens as it gets passed on. At least that's my prayer. I want to somehow manage to take my collision and be someone else's moment of impact. I want to take my moment and watch God use it to His greater good. If a moment of impact this severe has potential for change, I'm ready to let go, get involved and and watch the ripple effect grow...and never end.
